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| So, I got to talking to my co-workers today about day dreams. I wasn't
sure if I were crazy or if everyone does what I do, and it turns out I
was either talking to equally as crazy people or I'm normal. I find it
difficult if you don't have people or things to day dream about, and
apparently this is normal. For the past couple months I've kind of been
in a dry spell with no one to think of, but recently I started
realizing this guy who comes into sbux all the time to study. He's not
my normal type, (as if I ever had a type) but still I find myself drawn
to him for some strange reason. So what do you do these day when you're
attracted to someone? You look em up on facebook, and of course
facebook didn't give my the answers I was hoping for. He turned out too
young, girlfriend, and music I've never heard of. So of course I came
to the conclusion that I can't like him because of the first two, and
he can't like my because of all three. Yet still there is the desire to
day dream about what could have been, make up scenerios in my head. And
although I am completely sane in realizing that none of this can ever
happen, I still continue to day dream because it keeps me going, it
keeps me sane. It sounds rediculous, so I thought, but I feel I neeed
someone to dream about, even if they don't know me, dreaming about what
could happen in another world keeps me sane, gives me hope. And I don't
feel that that is wrong, and it turns out my co-workers do the same
thing, which comforted me. This boy doesn't ever need to know me, yet
thinking of him keeps me going, and that's somehow okay in my mind. So
of course this led to the next subject of conversation... stalking. Is
it stalking to look at someone's facebook or myspace just to get info
to feed these day dreams? Is it somehow wrong, even though you realize
nothing could ever happen?
There's another guy who works at the bank next to my store. He's hot,
that's it. And everytime he walks past the window to go to work, or
takes his cigarette break I just look out and am in awe, and everyone
in my store knows it, I make it fairly obvious because I don't care. So
Deondre asks me why I don't go talk to him? And the truth is I don't
want to talk to him, I don't know if I would like him or if he would
like me, and I don't care. All I was looking for was something good to
look at, and something else to fantasize about. And I am completely
content with that. I tried to explain to him that sometimes your dreams
and fake expectations that you've built up in your head about another
person are all you want from them. You don't need to know them you just
need a face to the person in your dreams. He had no clue what I was
talking about, which made me think I was crazy. But after talking to
many of my co-workers I realized that this is completely normal. If you
meet and get to know someone you've already had day dreams about they
are doomed to fail to meet your expectations, cause in your head you
made up the 'perfect' guy, the most ideal situations, and no matter
what they're going to fail to rise to those expectations because they
are not the person you dreamed about, they just simply share the same
face. Somehow it doesn't change a thing, but it makes you feel less
lonely. And at this time in my life a decrease in loneliness is exactly
what I need.
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| Just finished the finale of Sex and the City for the second time and
still cried. Life is so confusing, it's just a series of means and
ends, failures and accomplishments. But what defines us? Is it our
failures that take over or our accomplishments, or are we defined by
both good and bad? I can't seem to figure it out these days, yet I'm
really trying to. My sister brought up a good point this weekend, would
it be better to just be ignorant to ourselves and our surroundings?
We've seen those people who seem to be unphased by anything, and can't
look in the mirror and see themselves for who they really are: ignorant
and self-centered. At points I think it would be easier to be them,
since I wouldn't have to put so much emphasis on trying to understand
everything. Trying to understand the things I do, and the reasons
behind them is very difficult. And self discovery and self development
are fucking difficult, but I wouldn't give it up for ignorance. Even
though I hate some of the things I do, I love being able to look at
them as if I were a third party observor. Hating what I do makes me
realize that I am a person with ideals and can look at myself unbiased.
Changing is what is the hard part. If I change will I lose some of who
I am? When does changing become conforming? Because I have never wanted
to be one who conforms just to be liked. But when you have no friends
is conforming neccessary, even if you don't like or recognize the
person you've become? Or should you still search for those friends who
will love you flaws and all?
Too many questions, too few answers. And I fear that the answers will never come.
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| So, I've been rediscovering the theaputic advantages of xanga, cause I
guess when no one else will listen, it's the only thing left to resort
to.
As of late, I'm becoming more and more withdrawn. I have been becoming
more independently happy, but I'm not sure it's a good thing, since I
have found no reason to reach to anyone outside myself. I have been
having some insiteful conversations with my co-workers lately, which
has been very helpful. I had forgotten that even when I'm at odds with
everyone else around me, I still will always have my co-workers to talk
to for support. Partly because we're forced to be in the same place and
we're getting paid to hang out. But I had forgotten how relaxing it can
be to be happy at work (even though we still have to deal with those
bitchy customers). I forgot how many people think like me, and how I
can help people too. I'm not the only one that's lost. There are many
people just like me looking for someone to reach out to, and now that
I've re-realized this, it makes me feel content. And sometimes I do
need reassurance that I am a good person, and last night my co-workers
gave that to me. It was refreshing to say the least. We've even all
made plans for friday to have a girl's night, don't know what we'll be
doing but it will involve alcohol and some meaningful conversations.
I never thought that Heather would be the person to care the most about
my situations, but she does. I can tell that when she asks me questions
she genuinely cares about the response. It makes me happy, but it's
just sad that I haven't seen that sort of compassion from my friends in
a while. I just don't know if they would understand that even though my
problems may not seem huge in comparison to theirs, but the level of
pain felt on the inside is the same. Pain is pain across the board. You
cannot compare pain, because even though someone may seem emotionally
tough, their emotional pain tolerance can be quite low.
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| After reading that last entry from the other day I realized that when I
lost Peter, I lost so much more than just him. I lost the ability to
hope and believe that I could find anyone better than him.
Which brought me to the thought that memories may not be helpful. I
have so many happy meamories, but those memories just seem to haunt me
since the life I'm living right now is not as good as the one I had in
my memories. And it's kind of like I'm jealous, of the old me, and the
life I lived. And now as I sit her, I think, how did I become this
person I am? How did I let myself go and stop believing in my
self-worth? How did I become so irritable? How did I stop believing
that mankind is by nature good willed? How did I come to believe that
everyone is out to get you and fuck you over? Is it my experiences that
have shaped me and conditioned me? Pr did I give up hope and let the
person I was die?
There are too many questions I have to ask myself, and only I know this
answers. But the biggest question is: Is this pattern I've created in
my life reversible? or am I doomed to continue down this road of self
destruction?
I've lost or ruined pretty much every relationship/ friendship over not
being able to deal with my feelings properly. But is this bad that I
express my raw emotions? I think if people find it worth while to be my
friends then they should respect that I show my raw emotions, even when
they're negative. Changing myself is extremely difficult but absolutely
neccessary if I want to live a content life.
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| Well, wow. I just read a few of my old blogs and realized that not much
has changed. I'm still in the same situation with boys (which means
it's non-existent) and I'm still an alcoholic. I've been thinking a lot
about memories lately, ever since I thought I saw Peter driving down
sunset blvd when i was waiting in line for dane cook. I saw his car,
his hat, his sideburns, his black hair, his profile, and still don't
know for sure if it was him, but even if it wasn't him it got me
thinking. I remembered almost at once everything we ever talked about.
I remembered our hypothetical game, I remembered driving 45 miles from
my house to come and see him on his lunch break a few times a week, so
we could talk. I remember bringing him Sobe green tea because it was
his favorite. And when I saw him driving by that night, I knew I
couldn't tell the friends I was with because they wouldn't know what it
meant to me, no one would, except me and the friends I lost touch with.
But as soon as I saw him something changed. And I knew right then that
I had grown into a person that neither one of us would like at this
moment, and all I ever wanted was to be accepted by Peter, and I once
was. So I knew right at that moment, standing on the corner of Sunset
Blvd, that there are things in my life that I need to change. And I
started recalling memories. I wasn't listening to Dane Cook's jokes,
because I was focused on the time that I was in Peter's car and we were
listening to 'crying on a saturday night' by the misfits, and to this
day I cannot hear that song without thinking about him. And I remember
his flirty comments and the ones I would say back. I remember being in
the back of starbucks playing with the mocha in our hands, I remember
when my car had a flat and he asked me why I didn't call him. And most
of all I remember that first kiss. Lying on the couch, him playing an
acoustic guitar singing 'soco armaretto lime' by brand new, Amy and
Josh going to sleep and him and I laying there. I still remember the
way I rubbed his belly gently while we were lying down, and I still
vividly remember how he lifted my head to his and kissed me. It was
something I never expected, but always wanted. I remeber at that moment
the sense of acceptance I felt, and I knew that no one else would ever
make me feel the way that he did. And I know that that was the only
time I made love, I've had sex before and since, but he was the only
person I made love to. And I've never had a fight with him, nor a bad
feeling toward him. He has given me so much more than he'll ever know
even though we haven't kept in touch. Seeing him again, whether it was
him or not made me realize that when I like someone I should never feel
less than what I felt for him, because through all this time he is the
only one i still think fondly of. And everytime I hear that song, or
tigerarmy, or drink a sobe green tea, or have a half passion half black
tea at work, he is the one i think of, and he is the one who's approval
i wish to uphold for always and forever.
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